2013 the stye

I have a stye, as in one of those annoying little fuckers on your eyelid. I've never had one before but they're really annoying! Kind of painful, itchy, not that big of a deal but still irritating enough to make you a cranky cow.

And I realised this is a perfect way to end 2013, because that was 2013 has been like for me, a stye. Personally, it's been a good year for me, two healthy kids, a decent enough marriage, good job, friends, family... But for people around me it seems to have been a really shit one, hence why this year is a stye, not that big of a deal, but not that good either.

I can think of at least 10 people I know that have lost close family members, my sister's house burned down, my dad was diagnosed with a nerve condition, my mum had both her eyes operated on, Grandma was in and out of hospital, dog fucker remained a right fucker, little brother almost died... All just crappy things that I felt pretty much helpless as I watched on.

The worst thing to happen this year was definitely earlier this month. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him on here before but about 3 years ago I had a 2 year old boy named Hayate start at the school, he'd been coming to lessons for about 2 years when he suddenly stopped for a month because they discovered cancer in his eye and he had to have his eye taken out. He came back to lessons with a patch but a few months later had to stop because he needed chemo. I went to visit him in the hospital in summer and it was heartbreaking then to see him all hooked up to tubes and with no hair, but I thought he'd pull through, he was talking, laughing, I was quizzing him on the ABC... Then I got a mail from his mum saying he'd died. Just gone, the same age as Ash, a happy, smiley, genki little boy, just gone. I went to the funeral and I just couldn't stop crying for days. Which made me feel guilty, I have no fucking right to be so upset when his mum is going through hell, but I just couldn't stop the emotion spilling out of me, I'd be jogging and think of him or his mum and dad and just have tears flowing.

So yeah, rather depressing stuff! I'm hoping 2014 won't be so shitty for everyone around me, and that this bastard stye pisses off just in time for me to drink a lot of alcohol and lounge around for new year! How was your 2013, stye-ish...?

Lazy

I'm even too lazy to think of a title.

I always get a comment when I haven't blogged for a while telling me to get off my lazy arse and blog. Like a lot of people, I get all my frustrations out on social media and just tend to have not much to say anymore. Sad really.

Although my facebook page is TOTALLY censored because my parents check it daily. They may read my blog too but at least it's an unsaid thing and there is still some hope that they don't know every painful and horrible detail of my life. I write that like I live in a prison camp or something, actually I have it pretty damn good these days!
I'm working hard, got the house routine down like a pro housewife minus the cheating on my husband and eating bon bons, play on the weekends, jog every morning. Pretty damn normal!

There has been one thing that is really stressful lately though, and that is the fact that Ryota just needs to suck it the fuck up and deal with what he has to do. So Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I work through from 3-8, not that long, but over the pick/up/dinner/witching hours. Ryota has to pick the kids up from 2 different kindies, get them home and feed them the dinner which I've already cooked, so just heat up basically. But without fail, every time I get home, he looks like he's just run a marathon, in a hurricane... with no shoes on and two small people attacking him. OK, the last one about 2 small people attached to him and attacking with toys/chopsticks/any sharp object is probably true, but fuck me he needs to get over it, 2 hours watching kids is not that fucking hard if you're organised about it. Of course, it's hard to say thing directly, because he goes on a rant about how he's been working hard all day and then has to look after the kids by himself, and it's a valid point, but again, no fucking bon bon eating here, I'm working!

So we got into it the other night because I tried to give him some advice, I basically told him the kids would be grumpy if they were hungry, so first priority should be to fill bellies, after that, snacks, TV, anything to keep them quiet is fine. I also suggested that he clean things as he goes, because the house that I've cleaned in the day is just a complete mess whenever I get home. I asked him why I manage to keep some kind of order when I look after the kids and he got really pissed off and told me I should finish work at 6pm, we need me to be a good mother more than the money. Which really fucking stung, and it shouldn't of, it should've just made me pissed. We don't need the fucking money?! Well not now because I earn enough! So I left the room, took some deep breaths and forgot about his comments until the next day when I calmly explained that I didn't want to go there girlfriend, but if you want to start your own business, we need my income to be stable, so please not to go spouting shit from your mouth in an argument about me working too much and neglecting my family. Which he actually listened to and apologised for (I'm getting so much fucking better at this marriage thing!).

So the night routine thing is a bit of a sore subject for us at the moment, I'm sure they'll be a big blow up in the near future, but seriously, 2 hours of kid watching 2 days a week and he's walking around like he's a single dad 24/7, fucking drama queen twat he is.

30

Well I turned 30 and I didn't turn into a pumpkin or anything! It was actually a really good weekend, apart from the bit where I was going out for a few drinks and Ryota chucked a minor hissy fit about me leaving him with the kids and accused me of being a bad mother. I was almost guilted into not going too, but I did in the end. I know how he feels, I leave him with the kids a lot when I'm working but he can't seem to get the fact that I'm WORKING. If I went out every night, or even every weekend on the piss then he'd have grounds to be a little bitch, but I rarely go out on  anymore so it really pisses me off that he would say that. It was all good in the end anyway.

So here is my life in a nutshell until now. Kinda scary...

0-5- I was the 2nd daughter of my British parents in Australia. White, privileged, semi-rich. My parents were both 40 when I was born so I had a pretty tame childhood.

5-12- I went to the local primary school and was a generally normal whitie. I wasn't really that smart, but always diligent and not a total dummy. Lived with Mum, Dad and older sister in the same house since I was born.

11- My sister was a total rebel and amid a blaze of fights with my Dad, moved out of home when she was 16. I felt kind of like an only child from that point. My sister was stubbornly independent so my parents poured a lot into me.

12-18- Went to the local high school and was all round average as regards to study. Again, not dumb, but not smart. I was kind of nerdy in the early years but in the end got in with the "cool" crowd and went drinking on Friday nights and stuff. I was chubby all through high school, I've always been fucking tall and usually chubby. I worked part time at a clothing shop on weekends for extra cash. Studied Japanese by chance at high school and came to Japan for the first time on a school trip for 3 weeks when I was 15. I loved my time here and I think in some ways had already decided I wanted to come back, if not live here one day.

18-21- Got into University for an arts degree and studied Japanese, just because there was absolutely nothing else that interested me. Actually university didn't really interest me, I used to go to classes and then get the fuck out as soon as I could, the only friends I really made there were ones from high school. Met my boyfriend (at a club, not at uni!) who I fell totally in love with. Looking back, maybe that's why I wasn't really interested in uni, all my time was spent with my boyfriend! Said boyfriend and I were together all through uni, until he took a job on an island very fucking far away. It was the plan that I would graduate and then join him or he would come back.

21- My beloved boyfriend dumped my arse on my 21st birthday. Looking back now, I was devastated, but I also was a chubby fucker with little to no self esteem who had only really loved one person. Still, it hit me hard, and I had to decide what the hell to do after I graduated. I contemplated working my shitty part time job full time, but the thought of going to uni when I didn't really want to, only to not use my degree at all was kind of depressing, so I decided to try an interview with NOVA to come to Japan. I got it (Anyone got a job with NOVA at that point, not that I knew that).
I went to Japan scared shitless but feeling slightly like I had fuck all to lose after having my heart broken. I moved in with a bitchy Australian girl and another awesome Australian girl, thank God for the good one, if it had just been the bitch I never would have stayed.

22-24- I drank these 2 years away with a drinking buddy, moved out of the NOVA house and into my own flat, and pretty much worked and drank. So fucking fat with all the drinking and bad food. I HATED men too, I vowed I was never going to date again. I think I needed that time though. At about 23 my drinking buddy and I decided to do a 10km run, I can't remember why, just to see if we could do it maybe...? And we did, and my love of running (which I'd always hated with a passion) began. I also lost lots of weight and screwed lots of guys, a few Japanese, but mostly bar hopping foreigners. It was a fun, but pretty messed up time for me!

24- I met Ryota at a club and we instantly started dating, it was bliss and I remember thinking, "Fuck I'm fucking falling in love again!" 2 months of bliss and my period was late, a home test said "pregnant" and my life was to change forever. Ryota hadn't even said "I love you" yet and we were talking about when we should get married, it was surreal. We went to a clinic in Osaka to check I was actually pregnant and to discuss options, but after hearing about abortion, (to which I've always been/ still am pro-choice) we went for hamburgers and I just couldn't stop crying whenever I thought about it. Strange, because I would think I would instantly consider abortion in that situation, it just wasn't an option for me, plus Ryota wasn't keen on an abortion but said he's support me whatever.

25- I quit my job and went back to Australia for 3 months for Ash to be born. The birth and motherhood in general was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted, I wasn't a natural by any means. Ryota worked for a small landscaping company which had it's good points but the work wasn't reliable and the hours were long. I took a year off to see if I was the housewife type. We also needed a place to live, and by a stroke of luck (or not perhaps) the house opposite Grandma's house was empty and the owner was very happy for us to live there and pay 30,000 yen a month rent (dirt cheap for a house).

26- I wasn't. I think the year I took off with Ash was the most boring and hard of my life. Not only is being a stay at home mum exhausting, it also has very little rewards or appreciation, so I started looking for private students to teach at McDonald's. And I got more than I could handle and decided that when Ash was 1, I was either going back to my old job, or I was going to start my own school. And so we got Ash into kindy and started searching for a place to rent. It took a long time and we looked at so many places, but finally decided on a place near our house that had been deserted for the past 10 years. It was a daunting decision, but there really wasn't that much risk involved, we forked out about $10,000 to renovate the space but apart from that and the furniture there wasn't that much invested.

26-28- I worked hard to build up the school and raise Ash, it was busy at times but I also knew I wanted more than one kid, so I couldn't focus everything on the school until I was sure I was done popping out kids. It was then that I went off the pill and little Bailey was made, I got pregnant in a month, I thought Ash might have been a fluke but no, I'm just really damn fertile.

28- Bailey was born and I never stopped working, because even when you get another teacher in, you never stop working when it's your own school. Ryota and I went through the toughest time of our marriage and I actually thought I was going to join the shotgun marriage statistic majority and be a divorcee with 2 little kids. We got an offer to buy our house for a ridiculously cheap price and took the chance. At the pace we're going it will be paid off next year.

29- Was all about the school and raising the kiddies.

30- So the next step?? Keep the school going, keep the kids alive, try not to end up divorced. And I actually want another baby, as fucking mental as it is. Can't help those damn motherly instincts.

Oct-fuck-off-ober

October kicks my arse all over the place. It's long and it involves lots of work that goes into the school Halloween party, which despite all the effort and money spent, was well worth it and I actually managed to enjoy myself this year!

October seems to be a busy month in general for the school, lots of new students which is great, but just means between housework and kid raising I have very little time to myself. Although I say that, I've somehow managed a 4-day weekend starting from 11 tomorrow, partly by luck and partly because it's my 30th birthday so I took Saturday off. I have mixed feelings about turning 30, in some ways I'm looking forward to the next stage of my life, but I sometimes can't help feeling like I wasted the first half of my 20's getting drunk and collapsing on Izakaya floors, and the second half being pregnant and with kids! The realisation that I've spent ALL my 20's in Japan is kind of frightening too... Woah...

There has been very little to blog about, Ryota and I have been getting on well, almost too well, almost too well to the point I suspect him cheating or something, but I think as we get older we just learn how to piss each other off less, a good thing, I'm actually only just starting to kind of enjoy and appreciate being married. Bizarre, only took me 5 years... It could also be the fact that h bit the bullet and bought a truck to start his own business, which he knows won't happen if I don't support him for probably about a year. I've decided to stop with the fucking negativity, know if he fails then he can just get another job and I make enough money for us anyway, and that I should let him try because otherwise we'd always wonder what could have been. So he quits at the end of the year, that's also a scary/exciting new chapter to look forward to!

Everyone else is pretty much the same Ryota and I work, look after the kids, dog-fucker lounges around the house, MIL is still kinda crazy, and BIL is still the same old lazy shit but with a disability excuse and Grandma keeps on keeping on, never seems to get old and frail that woman!

So I'm hoping for more blogging time now that October is over, not promising anything but if something exciting happens I'll be sure to jot it down. I think I should write something about turning 30, maybe I'll do a break-down of my life so far in case I go senile and I want some kind of reminder of my life so far. I should get tanked before I write it, it will be may more interesting.

Dog fucker fireworks, part II

And they don't involve me, score!

Dog fucker and I are on basic terms now, as in we're not chatty, but we're not ignoring each other. This suits me, I'm good with fake harmony.

This week has been full of fireworks though, this time with the rare combo of dog fucker and little brother. Dog fucker has had a fight with basically all of us, big ones with Ryota, me and to a certain extent mother-in-law, but usually little brother stays out of it (probably because he's fighting for his life most the time, but still).

Back story, so it's been 6 months since little brother collapsed and was pretty much near death, so he went to the big hospital in Osaka for a check and assessment where the Doctor didn't mince words and pretty much told him although he was lucky to be alive, that he was pretty much fucked and due to his IQ being 59 (the norm is about 90 apparently) he was officially classed as mentally disabled. Now maybe I'm a bit too positive, but I was like "That's good news! It means you can get benefits if you can't work!" and I was serious, it would be great if he can have a normal life, but if he can't because he's genuinely disabled then at least he'll be entitled to something from the government. But he didn't see it like that and got quite depressed and... angry? with life in general. So everyone was kind of stepping on eggshells around him and being careful with what they said.

So Grandma's house is under reform, not professionally or anything, just new kitchen stuff and DIY jobs, Ryota replaced the roof vents and other little shit, then little brother and dog fucker, being the only able bodied ones who aren't working full time, were in charge of painting the kitchen. So apparently, little brother started getting things ready and was ordering dog fucker around in a very high and mighty manner (according to her but she's fucking mental, so who knows). It then escalated to him throwing a roll of masking tape at her, to her throwing a fry pan at him (crazy fucking bitch!) and him grabbing her and throwing her across the kitchen.

Fucking mental, the lot of them!

I'm inclined to not believe dog fucker, just because I don't like her, but her arm was covered in bruises which was a little worrying. She went to Ryota and asked him to talk to little brother but we think his anger at his own situation might be coming out in various ways and talking to him might not even do any good. I don't know though, I think that his IQ was the same as when before he collapsed, he's never been the sharpest tool in the shed, and I'm convinced he's no dumber than he was before! It's just there is a number put on it now! He's maybe a bit slower, as in physically, but that's about it to me...

Anyway, there is lots going on at the moment as in family fighting, but nothing really to do with me which makes for boring blog fodder. Ryota and I are... good?! No threats of divorce from me for at least the last few months and we're being very reasonable with each other, kinda freakin' me out! Work is busier than ever and I'm getting ready for my mammoth Halloween party, hopefully something blog worthy will happen soon though!

Loco in Hyogo!

OK, Loco in Yokohama but through the wonders of modern technology, Loco came into my living room for an intimate little chit chat. Ain't modern gizmos grand?!

 

But in all seriousness,writing a book, like most big achievements in life, is something that few people will ever get round to actually doing. In the blogging world it’s even more frustrating, because there are people all over the place who love writing, but they can never push their lazy arses beyond the safety of a blog. Loco, already famous round these here parts, needs no introduction. He is not only talented but he has had the will and drive to write not one, but two books in what seems to me to be a very short amount of time to me. Maybe he has a warehouse full of Japanese girls in mini-skirts and false eyelashes typing for him, who knows. But I have come to respect and ponder his opinions and take on all things Japan, plus I share his love of ramen so how could we not get along. I asked him a few questions before, but here are 7 more minutes in heaven with Loco! (Don’t be a cunt, buy his book!)

 

1)    So Loco, another book?? What, one published masterpiece wasn’t enough for you??

Nah...won't be satisfied until my name becomes synonymous with the best writing on life in Japan for non-Japanese on the market, my name goes down in history as one of the finest writers of our time, and I can pay off my debts with money to spare. I suspect I'm gonna need a few more masterpieces before I achieve any of the above. That's of course, accepting the premise that my first book and this one are masterpieces, which I'm too superstitious to do. I'll leave that to the readers to decide. But thanks for the vote of confidence. Coming from a talented writer like you, that means a lot!

 

2)    What makes this book different to the first one?

Well, the first book was about the racist inclinations I've experienced (and seen in others) over the course of my entire life, a pretty extensive and unsparing study on a personal level. This new book is nothing like that. It begins and remains in nearly the present, and its focus is not directly on race (though as a foreigner living in Japan as it stands, pretty much race, to some degree, is a factor in practically every equation whether we want to acknowledge / accept that fact or not) but on relationships. I believe ones experience here, and everywhere, depends a great deal on the relationships one forms, and this book deals directly with the relationships I've formed through working here as a teacher, with both the students and the teachers. 

3)    Why should we buy your books and not just read your blog?

Actually, you should do both, if you're so inclined. While the material in the book is derived from material that once graced the pages of my blog (I pulled it a couple of years back in anticipation of this), unless you're a long-term reader of the blog, this material will be entirely new to you. And even if you are a long-time reader, the blog version of these stories were like a first draft parceled out in morsels. I've weaved those stories into a cohesive hole, which I believe is a great deal more substantial than the sum of its parts. Again I'll leave it to those handful of readers who have been down with Loco in Yokohama since its inception-- assuming they even recall these tales-- to decide if I've done them justice in the editing process.

 

 

4)    Due to the wonders of social media I’ve been seeing some video shenanigans going on, what’s all this about?? I’m guessing this is good news for those of us with short attention spans?

Indeed! Your boy, Loco has been putting together something of a documentary-style book trailer. I don't want to give too much away, but I was motivated by a need to know what kind of impact my presence here in Japan has made among Japanese people, and so it will contain candid interviews with a dozen or so Japanese people giving their impressions of Loco. I won't say it'll be ideal for those with attention spans as short as squirrels, but if you can sit through an entertaining and enlightening 10-15 minutes of real talk from real folk, in nihongo (subtitled of course), you're sure to enjoy this!

5)    Describe your life in Japan in 5 words.

Hilarious, Hortative, Humbling, Hypocritical and Hentai (just kidding...kinda) I mean Hygienic.

 

6)    Your material is focused a lot on racism, (Do I sound racist asking that question?!) how do you think your experience in Japan / as a writer would be different if you were white?
If I were white??? Well, that's a difficult question. I can't even imagine how I'd view , or how I'd be viewed, in the world, let alone Japan, if I were white. The way I see white, as I explained in my first book, is as varied as black. I don't even think nationality can quite limit the mindsets that fall under that umbrella term white. I approach people as individuals, not as a member of a race, and I expect the same courtesy and consideration in return... It took a great many years and experiences to get to that frame of mind, and that approach to humanity. I thought I had gotten to a point when I was incapable of going back to the mindset where I'd see not only race but make certain presumptions about the person based on that racial designation. That was a much simpler task in New York, I gotta tell ya. It was once I moved to Japan that I found myself slowly and insidiously ceasing to do that, and ultimately viewing Japanese through a single racial lens, that I realized a great deal about myself. And that was one of the issues that prompted me to write the book, "Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist".

But, from what I've observed and learned of Japanese ideas about and treatment of so-called white people, I would imagine that if I were white, but still somehow me (which is, I think, impossible) I would like to think I'd realize that I've actually been given the rare opportunity to view privilege from another perspective, from an underprivileged point of view. What it feels like to be on the business end of stigmatization, asserted generalizations, or even undeserved aggrandizement and worship. As a writer, what would I do with that amazing gift? This Jonathan Swift's Gulliver-esque slant on the world? Again, I'd like to think I'd use it to help people understand how those privileges came to be, the inherent responsibilities of being privileged, and the likeliness and dangers of abusing said privileges. And perhaps I'm guilty of being as overly critical or highly sensitive as Swift when it comes to human nature. But that's just me imagining.

7)    So what’s next? World tour? Japan tour? Another book? Give us a sneak peek!

Well, another book, and another, and another, until I'm satisfied, which I can't imagine I'll ever be. A world tour would be nice. Let's see how this book does. I still think the first book hasn't reached its fullest potential yet. A Japan tour seems likely, but again I have to wait until the reviews are in. People ultimately hold my fate as a writer in their hands. If people demand the world know of me, then that will happen. If they insist I vanish into obscurity, than that too will happen. Happens all the time. I'm of the mind that my job as a writer is to seek truth through writing. In my first book, as readers learned, I'm not afraid to "go there" and to do so with purpose and forthrightness. I've done so again with this book, I believe. As I will with my next project, which is essentially an un-scholarly black history book written from a personal perspective, unrelated to Japan this time. We'll see if the world wants a piece of Loco!

 Thanks again for having me, Corinne! You're the best, and I know most of the people charmed by and able to fully appreciate your brilliance and frankness are pretty damn cool, too. When my "Japan Tour" comes through your neck of the woods, expect me to pop up at your door one day bearing gifts.

 

As I've mentioned before, Loco is a perfect gentleman, I've never had the pleasure of meeting him in real life but it would be an honour to do so!

New ventures

I'm all about stability. Security. Safe. Constant.

Which is why I fit in so well in Japan (despite totally sticking out). I don't necessarily like the old 'nail that sticks out' philosophy, but honestly, I'm comfortable enough with it. Which kind of negates my foreignness here to be honest, I'm not meant to agree with the whole lemming ideology, I'm foreign! I'm meant to be loud and obnoxious and disagree! And on some things I do, but on most things, I'm quite contented to keep my big mouth firmly shut and keep going.

So why the hell did I marry Ryota who is the total opposite?!?! Oh that's right, I was preggers... Oops.

But then maybe I got to thinking that it wasn't just because I got pregnant, maybe it was because if I married someone totally similar to me, I'd get bored, or get stuck in a rut and go slightly mental...? Nah, it probably was just because I got pregnant, but it's nice to romanticise the whole thing sometimes...

So Ryota has never been a 'same company for life' guy, he's not a salary man, which is the first step I guess. Once Ash was born he started working for the city, which was his way of trying to settle down, but he's just not cut out for the Japanese way of licking your boss' arsehole for 40 years until you get your pension. I'm not all that bothered about the arsehole licking, if I liked my job, it paid reasonable well and I was generally happy I think I could be a salary man type. Which is weird considering now Ryota has the stable arse licking job and I have my own business prone to risk and sudden changes.

I like owning my own school though, I wouldn't change it for anything, which is where we have a slight hiccup. Maybe not even a hiccup, but a hiccup of sorts for a person like me who is prone to worry about change. At the moment, I earn more than Ryota, but my income isn't stable, it can fall and rise from month to month. It never varies that much, but it very well could and I'm aware of this. Where as Ryota's salary is constant, we can always depend on it, bar him falling out of a tree while cutting it or something like that. And the hiccup comes when Ryota wants to quit his job AKA my security blanket, and go out on his own.

And the thing that is making it so hard, is that I'm sure he'll be successful, maybe more successful than me, but any business is a risk. My business was/is a risk, but we always had Ryota's salary to fall back on if anything happened. If Ryota starts his own business in all likelihood we'll have two successful businesses and more money that we do now, but there will also be factors like his starting up period when the pressure is on me, the fact that winter will be an off season for him, and just the general stress of being a two business household.

So it freaks me out a little! Although there is BIG money in his type of work, just recently he did a one and a half day job for ￥60,000, and that is the cheap end!
I want to support him, and relaying my fears of the risks come across as negativity, so I'm reluctant, especially when he's always supported my efforts with the school. Maybe blogging those fears will make it a bit easier.

I've become more and more safe as I get older, no more tattoos, roller coasters have started to scare me a bit, I worry about sleeping with my shoulders bare, but maybe I just have to say, "fuck it" and not worry about the risks, there is part of me that realises his and/or my failures would lead to a new adventure anyway.

Keeping the peace

So it has been over 2 months that dog fucker and I have been fighting, which is long for me! It helped that I really don't like her so I didn't feel guilty at all. I did feel guilty for Ryota, MIL and Grandma though, I know first hand how stressful it can be to live in an environment where you're torn between two fighting family members.

So we've been civilly ignoring each other lately, but there were more fireworks on Friday night when I did a late night coffee run and managed to totally piss dog fucker off. I asked if anyone wanted anything, but I asked MIL, so it looked like I was asking MIL and not dog-fucker. I get that she thought I was being hostile by not asking her directly (because I kinda was) but what the fuck else did she expect me to do?? "Hmmm haven't talked to you in months dog-fucker, and we're quite openly fighting, but can I get you a coffee... cake... high tea perhaps??" I felt it was just awkward to ask her directly, so I didn't. And she had a hissy fit, and Ryota went mental at her for being a big baby about it. (God bless the man he can be an absolute wanker but he does always defend me in these situations!) I just wanted to ignore it and keep the ignoring up, but Grandma was like, "You should apologise Corinne!" and then I lost it and told them to quit poking their beaks in and slammed the door. Which was possibly childish, but standing in the genkan with all of them (seemingly) up against me when I felt like I had no other choice, got a bit rat-in-a-corner-ish.

So I was actually really upset that night, because I don't like fighting, I don't thrive on making other people miserable, and I was contemplating the fact that not only was I away from my real family, but that I may very well be left with no Japanese family either. Scary for me, I'm a total cuddle while sleeping person, I don't like being alone for long periods of time.

So the next morning Ryota went to work and I was getting ready to go teach, when dog fucker came over and said "Do you have a minute...?" And I was all shocked and unprepared and kind of apprehensive without Ryota there. So she said she didn't want to apologise for the original fight but she didn't want to keep fighting. And I was like, 'Yeah, pretty much me too.' So we basically agreed to disagree on the movie issue, I apologised for the coffee run debacle and I promised that the next time I was pissed off with her, I would try really hard just to yell and get it over with. I'll NEVER be anything close to friends with dog fucker, but it is much better for all involved when we can be normal around one another!

Not much else is happening, I'm busy working and dieting, Ryota is busy working and getting ready to start his own business (another post, but it's going well!!) kids are good, life is boring!

To stay or to go

I'm not done with Japan, as much as I bitch about life here, I'm not done, otherwise I'd already be gone.

That said, there are more and more reasons to make a new life in Australia. The only thing that keeps us here, really, is money. Plain and simple, because it makes the world go round and shit. Basically, we may be able to make it big in Australia, but it's a big 'may', and it's a big risk to take when we have it so good here.

So the reasons to leave Japan are:

*Ryota's family will not be missed by me, and not that much by him.
*Ash will be able to start primary school in Australia next January.
*I will have my family and friends who I miss so much.
*We will live near the beach and not have to be worried about a monster tsunami swallowing us up for dinner.
*If I want to have another baby, I will have maternity leave/ government support to do so.
*It will be a new adventure.

And the reasons to stay are:

*Not only financial security, but wealth. We are making money to save now, if we move, it will be money to survive/get on our feet for the near future.
*Life is comfortable here, we know exactly how things are going to go.
*Ryota's Grandma is 85, I think he wants to stay until she kicks the bucket. (Sorry Grandma...)
*Big change makes me poo my pants it's so scary.
*It will be tough for Ash to adjust to a new (all English) environment.
*Ryota will never get a good enough job in Australia.

So there is the breakdown, I'm seriously thinking on it. The recent dog fucker happenings make me want to leave in some ways, just because living here is not fun when I'm trying to avoid my in-laws, but on the other hand I don't want to 'run-away' from her either, she's not that fucking scary!

Monday

I think I'm going to have to put a disclaimer at the top of the blog for slow people:


"90% of this is either sattire or generalisations, take it or leave it cunts!"


Too much?

Dog fucker pimple.

While we're comparing to people to other things, dog fucker is like a big fucking festering pimple right in the middle of my forehead. I can't escape her, I can't even hide from her by wearing a mask because she is always just... There! And every so often, the pimple needs to be burst, so the pus and poison and congealed blood can flow out until the next time it comes to a head.

So it's been 2 months since our fight and we haven't spoken to each other at all in that time. That may seem unbelievable seeing as though we basically live together, but seeing as though I have a busy life, and she leaves the house at best once a week, really don't run into each other that much. The most contact we have, is when I go to grandma's house to get something, pick up a kid/s, or talk to mil about something. And at those times, we try to stay out of each others way, or even in the same room just ignore each other.
I was happy with this arrangement, no fakeness, no big argument, just happiness and peace in our mutual hatred for each other.

Until she realized I deleted her from Facebook... My bad? Maybe, but fuck I was angry and just didn't want anything to do with the bitch so I deleted. Such a huge step in our social networked world, I don't know how it took her this long to notice though, she literally has like 4 friends on there, I thought she would have noticed straight away.

So she must have figured it out and ran crying to her mummy because yesterday out of the blue, mil sent me a message on a group message (meaning it goes to me, dog fucker, ryota, and bil) saying: "Corinne! I have to ask, did you delete dog fucker from Facebook?!"

And then I got pissed, if mil really wanted to ask me she should have just done so in a private mail, or even better, face to face, but I really don't know what she thought she was going to achieve by group messaging that shit. Especially seeing ass though she's been very Japanese about the whole thing until now and not said one word to me about it.
So I ignored the message and Ryota had a go at her but they managed to sort out there stuff after a long mailing battle.

I kind of felt guilty at first, but honestly, I just don't want anything to do with her, so this drastic measure is what it's going to take I think. She's never going to apologise to me and that's the only way I'll ever be going into dog fucker negotiations, until then I'm more than happy to just ignore, unlike her I actually have other things to keep me occupied. If she was someone important to me at some point and I thought our friendship was worth salvaging I would give in for the sake of family harmony, but that's what everyone does for her, they make exceptions for her "difficult personality" but sorry, not happening with this gaijin!

As expected, grandma and mil are on her side of the fence in the argument, Ryota is on mine and BIL is somewhere in the middle possibly having a brain bleed... Business as usual really.

Snakes

If I had to compare Japanese people to an animal, it would definitely be snakes. Some are misunderstood, they all try to blend in unnoticed in their environment, most are harmless, and some slither along the ground hunting for some poor innocent mouse only to consume it whole and then slink away soundlessly.

OK, not all people are snakes, but I swear to fucking God most Japanese people (even the ones near and dear to me) are always slinking away from something. Holding something back, or putting on a fake skin only to shed it later and leave you fucking not believing what kind of person you thought they were.

A classic example, is in my business. I have an English school and when you open your own school and are the main teacher, it's kind of hard to not take it personally when a student suddenly quits. In the beginning I really did take it personally, but I've not only learnt not to take it personally but I've learnt that it's such a cycle, you get just as many new students as ones that quit. So if students tell me they're quitting, I'm totally fine with it, happy for them, invite them to school parties even after they've stopped taking lessons, I'm all good with it. Problem is, students NEVER say they're quitting, they say "I think I'm going to take a bit of time off..." But that's cool, they're being nice. The snakes that fuck me off, are the ones that flat out lie because they don't want to feel bad (but maybe they justify their horrible behaviour by trying to save my feelings??). I've had two this year, kids. The first girl had been coming for about 2 years, seemed to be enjoying herself, and then her mum said that she didn't get on with one of the boys in her class.

Now group lessons mean stiff fucking biccies if you can't get on with the boy, deal with it. However, I like this girl, so I juggled around all the classes to change her from her 4 o clock lesson to 5 o clock where she would be with 3 nice girls. This was quite a fuck around though due to several admin factors, but I did it anyway. 2 WEEKS after she'd changed classes, her mum came up to me and mumbled "Ummm, M-chan won't be coming next month..." And I almost didn't get what she was saying, she couldn't look at me and scurried away so quickly I just had time to nod.

The next was even MORE sneaky, the little boy who M-chan couldn't get on with, H-kun. He had been coming for a year and was one of those kids who pisses everyone off because he's an arrogant, mouthy little shit, but he's smart so he can back up his arrogance. I actually quite liked him, his mum spoke quite good English too so we often chatted if she came to pick him up. So I get a mail out of the blue from H-kun's mum saying he'd be quitting due to a "family crisis" to which I sent back a concerned mail (half knowing it was bullshit) to which I got no reply. She then sent a jar of jam with H-kun for me on his last day and I sent her a thank you mail and also got no reply. And then H-kun, being mouthy like he is, said "Yeah I'm quitting to go to cram school."
So why the fuck wouldn't his mum just say that?! I don't really give a fuck what he's doing, just don't fucking lie about it to make yourself feel better?!
AND THEN I saw H-kun and his family last night on the way home from the local festival, and H-kun screamed out "CCOOORRRRRIIINNNNEEEE SSSEEENNNSSEEEEIIIII!!!!!" and ran over to me, his mum looked mortified and hurried along the road, I said Hello to her and she literally did a rushed bow and SCURRIED away. I could not fucking believe it, does she really think her business is that important to me?? There are a lot of obnoxious little H-kuns to take his place, she needn't worry...

And even my Japanese friends, I can never completely trust them, because they're always just that little bit sneaky. I feel like a big awkward blond bear in a field of snakes sometimes.

Summer blogging

Just doesn't fucking happen, deal with it people. It's either so hot I'm laying naked on my kitchen floor in front of the fan trying to save on air con or I use up all my energy working and breathing and shit that I can't be fucked doing anything else. Sorry, will try to be better now the bulk of summer is over.

Honestly though, if this blog is quiet, it's because nothing is really happening to warrant wasting your time reading about boring everyday shit. my kid started walking, I lost a few more kgs, we went on a few trips around the place... but nobody really gives a fuck about the mundane things that mean a lot to me.

Dog fucker front- Still not talking. It's been 2 months and I'm fucking LOVING this blissful state of tolerate and ignore we've got going. She did come over the other day and asked me if I wanted some pizza, it was the first time she'd talked to me since our fight and her voice was shaking, I can't be that scary can I?? So that's kind of her way of trying to make up maybe?? But fuck that, it's an apology or I'm going to take advantage of this time where I don't have to pretend I like her when I don't.

Ryota and I are all good. Apart from the fact that he wants to quit his job and I haven't actually said he can't this time which has thrown him for a loop. Before when he's said he's wanted to quit I've been the token nagging wife telling him to suck it up and get through it for the sake of a secure salary and bonuses. But I actually thought about it and was like, "Well fuck it, if you're not happy just quit! It will be a new adventure!" And then he went all funny and didn't mention it much again. I should try this tactic more often!

My Dad has discovered he has something called Orthostatic tremors, which isn't THAT bad but it has really made me think seriously about trying to move home in case someone really does get sick, I think this contributed to me telling Ryota to not give a fuck about quitting, it would probably kick our arses into actually trying to move back home.

OK, few summer snaps, then I'm out!

Decisions decisions.

Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30, or maybe it's just the waves of life, but I feel like I need to make some big decisions soon. And not only do I have to make decisions, but I have to make them in the knowledge that 5 years from now I don't have the faintest idea what will be going on. It's so bloody difficult when you feel the need to plan as I do!

Our first decision is our new car. Ryota wants a fancy, cool foreign car and I want a reliable, family Japanese car... Again with us switching the Japanese/gaijin roles again! Actually, I want the big flash car too, but we can't buy it new and maintenance would be more expensive, plus his pride and joy would no doubt be littered with juice and snacks from our 2 small children within about an hour of getting it so I feel it just isn't practical. For forking out the same amount of money we could get a new mid-range family car that we wouldn't really care as much if it got destroyed by our 2 monsters... I don't want it to be a battle though, so I'm not going to push it, whichever we go with will be better than our tiny car we have now. We have to decide what we want to do with said tiny car as well though, I really want to keep it for quick trips, hairy parking situations and the rainy kindy pick-ups but we have to pay 8000 yen a month for parking, which is relatively cheap for our area but with two cars, 16,000 yen a month is a bit steep, plus insurance/registration and all that other bullshit. Our original plan was to give the car to dog-fucker/ little brother and borrow it occasionally (as they do now) but with relationships still rocky all around there I'm not sure that will happen. I'm definitely not giving anything to dog-fucker for free.

Another decision which is looming is buying a new house. Our current house will be payed off next year or the year after (depending on what kind of car we get!!) and I'm not happy with just having our crappy little house. I either want a new house in Japan or I want to buy something in Australia. I think buying in Australia is way smarter. I mentioned this to my mum and she got so excited that she started getting loan details and everything! She really just wants us to come home I think... But I thought if I had property at home, if I ever needed to escape, or if we all move there we'd at least have some footing. Thankfully no need for escape lately, but again, who the fuck knows. With the chilly conditions with Ryota's family I really see less and less reason to stay in Japan. The main one is we both have good jobs here. I could be a teacher at home, which is a reasonable job, but Ryota would have to shit kick for a while at least until he could speak English better/ start his own business.

All of this is topped off by the fact that despite it being totally fucking insane, I want another baby. Not right away, but not too far away either. Having kids is so fucking hard and it goes against  everything the logical part of me says, but I can't help it, I just see myself having 3 kids. Now if I didn't have the school, I would try for another one now, get them out of the way. But I do, if I have another baby now, I don't think I could keep the school going. So my options are to wait until the 2 older boys are much older to have another one, or close the school. If I close the school I definitely don't want to stay in Japan, I could think of nothing more mind-numbing than being a SAHM in Japan. At least at home I'd have the beach, and my family and friends to entertain me.

So lots to think about! Right now I'm kind of enjoying life though! Work is good, we're getting into an independent rhythm without relying on the in-laws for anything and Ryota and I are actually getting along really well!

Nicer things

I haven't talked to dog fucker since our fight, I haven't even really seen her since she doesn't leave the house, although I had to talk to MIL and when I went in to the house she started slamming things around in obvious anger and then slammed the front door shut that I'd left a bit open saying "HIDOI!" So she's looking for a fight, but I'm not going to give it to her for the sake of it, if she starts I'll go, but until then, ignore city.

So this morning, I was at the supermarket at 9am sharp as I am every day (especially in summer). I got my basket full of housewifely goodness to prepare dinner with and lined up behind an old man at the register. Now when you go to the supermarket every day at the same time you get to know the regulars, but this guy I'd never seen before, and as soon as he spied me, I knew he was the type who would definitely say something to me purely because I'm foreign. I kind of like these old men though, they're rarely nasty and at worst annoying.

He didn't look homeless, but he wasn't a generic old man either, for a start he was buying things at the supermarket himself which means more than likely he wasn't married. His purchases were quite telling too, he was buying a 6 pack of beer and 4 ice creams. Gossip session with his buddies in the park or just getting tanked on his own, whatever, they were quality buys for this time of year!

So he said to the register lady "Ooooo this girl is more Japanese than me!!" I'm not quite sure what he meant by it, but he had a big grin on his face so I grinned back and said, "Yup, that's actually probably true!" He then made chit chat with the register lady about how 'sugoi' it was that I was... here..? I'm not quite sure and the register lady was pretty embarrassed but trying to be polite.

So it got to paying time and she said the price and he said "Hmmm I wonder if I have it...?" and emptied his pockets with all his change. He came up short and said, "Take one of the ice creams off!" He didn't seem at all embarrassed (he really wasn't that Japanese) and my first reaction was to just put the 25 yen for him, because really, it's 25 fucking yen. But I've been in Japan way too long because I totally hesitated, thoughts flashed through my head of him getting angry at me for assuming he was poor or him going and killin himself after losing face in front of everyone. But then I just put the money there while the register lady was all "Ohhh nooo madam, you don't have to...!" But she trailed off then realising she should just stay out of it. I glanced up at the old man and he was all teary eyed!! I don't know if he was having a rough time of it, or if he was just surprised, but he said in a cracked voice to the register lady, "See I told you she was a good person!" to which the horribly uncomfortable register lady replied, "Oh yes.. foreigners...." in her traily-off way.

As he left he gave me a big bow and in English, "Sankyou!"

Living in Japan as a foreigner can be awful sometimes, full of segregation, uneasiness and the desperate need to fit in. But sometimes I'm glad I'm foreign and I'm here.

Dog fucker fireworks

Since the time Dog fucker and I really got into it with the Kimutaku fight, I've actually had times where I almost begin to like her. She can be very nice, helpful, normal even when she wants to be. But in the back of my mind, I always had that fight replaying in my head and never totally trusted her. Actually if I'm honest with myself, the only reason I held my tongue for as long as I have was because I needed her to watch Bailey for a year.

Now that year is over, I don't have to fork out mountains of cash to her, and I don't actually give a fuck what she thinks of me, because it. is. ON!

To be fair, I think I had some pent up resentment from all the cash I did pay her for watching her own nephew and the fact that once the money stopped she didn't offer to help in the slightest. This, and the summer season starting, some people go on stabbing sprees, I just speak my mind. Meh, we're all getting a bit on edge in the heat I think.

So, here's how this fight started...

This month, Monsters University came out, if you don't have kids it will be totally irrelavant, but Ash has been dying to see it ever since the trailers came out ridiculously early in the year. So I promised him I'd set aside a day for him in July and we would have a date to go watch it. I've never taken Ash to the movies and recently I haven't had much?any? one on one time with him, it's always all of us or just me and both boys. I was actually really looking forward to it, the 24th was decided and I made sure not to schedule any lessons on that day.
Now among all my planning, I had heard through the grapevine that dog-fucker had also said she'd take Ash to see the movie. I say grapevine, I mean when I said "Let's go watch it together!" He replied with "Ehh Ako too??" (he calls dog fucker Ako) So I knew then that she'd probably said she'd take him. Which is nice and all, I appreciate it but I knew then and there that it wasn't happening, this was my plan. I should point out she's taken him to the movies on at least 4 separate occasions because you know, she has no job or purpose in life.

So Sunday night I went to Grandma's house and dog fucker said: (In a kind of short tone while watching TV) "Corinne, Ashton will have the day off on Wednesday." ...

Not 'Can he have the day off?' But 'he WILL have the day off.' Fucking bitch , that there was enough to piss me off, and I knew in my head that a shit storm was on the way but I asked her why and she said "I'm taking him to the movies." I then said (still in a nice way) "Hmmm I was actually going to take him on the 24th..."
And the whore fucking ignored me!!

So I stormed home and immediately started bitching to Ryota about how his sister was such a fucking bitch and he told me not to bitch to him, to either speak my mind or shut the hell up. And fair play to him for that.

So the mail war started, writing it is way too annoying so I'll post the mails with rough translations...

 

First one (me): Don't worry about taking him on Wednesday, it'll cost you money anyway. I can take him on the 24th.

 

Second one (her): I already bought the tickets for the 10th so I'm taking him. Why don't you take him somewhere different on the 24th?

 

Third one (me): Ahh you already bought them... Could you let me know before you decide anything next time because I promised him I'd take him.

 

 

I should point out here that her texts are all fucking short and condescending tones as well the little whore. I'm her fucking onesan too!!!! OK, then...

 

First one (her): I told you ages ago, maybe you've forgotten?

 

Second one (me): (I was PISSED now!) Actually I told you too. I said "Let's go together" maybe you've forgotten? I'm always busy with work and hardly get the chance to be with Ash just the 2 of us so that's why I wanted to take him but I should have made that clear earlier so it's my fault.

 

Third one (her): I think you'll have lots of time to be with just Ash now seeing as though you've put Bailey in kindy.

 

Fine then! You take him! I can sell my fucking tickets!

 

 

It was at that point that I didn't want to keep it going anymore, she was dead to me. I realised as someone who dropped out of high school and has never had any social interactions what so ever, I should just treat her as socially disabled and forget about her. But fuck me, how dare she judge me putting Bailey in kindy?! How dare she SAY anything about the subject let alone judge me. She's never known what it's like to be busy so I guess it's impossible for her to understand. Anyway, it's been all icy looks and ignoring since than and I'm just itching for her to have another go, I have everything I want to say planned, such gems as: "The closest you've come to having a family is your dog, go get another one to fuck with" and "You're a leech on society, fuck off!"

 

 

Am I overreacting due to crazy summer season?? Would you be pissed?? Or am I just looking for a reason to fight because I just don't like her??



Support

I often feel very lucky to live so close to Ryota's family, I'm very lucky that when Ashton is driving me nuts that he can go to their house for a bit ensuring I don't actually throw him out the window. They also help me in many other ways, but lately, today especially, I think it's best just to cut ourselves off, or even better, just move. Because the only thing worse than having no support, is having support there that are being cunts.

Well, it's not actually true, if it boils down to it I'm actually the cunt because I expect too much. I was brought up in a very hard-working house. My parents always worked hard, rewarded us if we worked hard and really believed in helping each other out if we were doing it tough. My Dad always said: "God helps those who help themselves" and by God, he meant the people around you, I think it's a pretty good philosophy too, try yourself and then you'll get the help you need, be a lazy fuck and nobody will help you and you'll end up with nothing.

So from yesterday Bailey started going to kindy, it was harder for me than I thought and I felt so guilty at my free time that I went into a cleaning frenzy. Feeling less guilty as I have 8 lessons and just an hour for lunch today, but it still breaks my heart that he's not with me anymore. He couldn't get into Ash's kindy, so the drop off and pick up is a pain in the arse, mornings not so bad, but afternoons are a fucking dilemma. My busiest time is from 4-8, it's just the reality of eikaiwa. When the kids are older it won't be so bad but at the moment it blows, it interrupts the dinner routine, pushes back the bath routine and is just exhausting. But all that can be dealt with, what cannot be dealt with, is the actual pick up. When it was just Ash, Ryota would pick him up on the motorbike, not ideal, but it worked fine. Bailey can't go on the bike so it puts forward the problem that if Ryota goes home on the bike, gets the car and goes to get both boys, by the time he gets to both places, it will be after 6 and we'll have to pay extra for both kids.

Now if Ryota just picks up Ash on the bike, he gets there before 6 and it's all good. Bailey is the problem. I was hoping (stupidly) that the days I can't go, MIL or dog-fucker would go for me. But last night when I asked MIL, she was very... cold...? with her response and it was quite obvious that she did not want to pick him up. Fair enough, but hurtful all the same. She basically said in her mail: "I thought when Bailey started kindy you'd change your work schedule! Is it just tomorrow?! What about the time from pick-up to when Ryota gets home??" Now these are all valid questions, but she knows I can't just change a whole group of kids easily, it just won't happen, 5pm is one of the busiest slots and almost impossible to free up.
MIL works, so I can understand if she is busy, but dog-fucker has no job, so I should just ask her right? Well, I'm sorry, I can't. I've been shut down by her luke-warm responses too many times before that if she doesn't offer, I just can't beg her. Now usually when this problem crops up (me fucking loathing asking that cunt for anything) Ryota who doesn't give a fuck, will just ask/tell her. But of course he's not talking to her at the moment so he won't ask her...

This is where I feel way too much pressure for my liking. I feel that because I choose to work, I have all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I hate it. If it were my family, in my language, honestly it would be easier, but I just can't do it. I was so defeated last night I just couldn't stop myself from crying in frustration and guilt, that my little boy would be at kindy from 9-6, a long day for a 1 year old. And then I started thinking it's not worth it to work, that everyone would be happier (and much poorer) if I just stayed at home and looked after the kids. So tonight Ryota will pick up both boys, he may or may not make it for 6pm for Bailey but will definitely not make it for Ash. I feel sick just thinking about the whole situation.

All I know is I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and work it out. I just hope I don't damage my kids by leaving them at kindy for so long...

Plodding along

I don't really hold grudges much, I tend to get pissed off and then just kind of forget about it, I'm much like a fish that way.
Ryota, yeah not so much, he has a bad memory (probably a good thing) but he really fucking holds onto things. So the spat we had with the in-laws about blowing off Bailey's birthday party is still going on because Ryota is ignoring MIL and dog-fucker. I just can't be arsed being pissed off, it takes way too much energy but Ryota is very determined to ignore them for at least 2 weeks...

In other news... July will be an exciting month for me, we're going to the Ritz-Carlton for dinner for our 5th anniversary which I'm so looking forward to! Apart from the fact that we haven't been out as a couple since our 1st anniversary I LOVE getting dressed up and going out for dinner somewhere fancy, there's just something nice about it for me. Also an added bonus is the fact that due to current dieting conditions I haven't had a decent meal in about 2 months. 10kgs lighter so happy, but the whole not eating thing can be quite dull!

July is also a month that we will be rolling in cash, I have a soccer announcing job for the match in Osaka between Cerezo and Manchester United, (I'm sure it will be on TV somewhere so look out for my mad announcing skills on July 26th!) which pays nicely, I'm working a summer school for a week which is also good cash, and Ryota gets his bonus! I think all this extra dosh will be going to the down payment for our new car so not that exciting, but we're also planning a trip to Hawaii in April so maybe I should just bite the bullet and start booking things there...

Dog-fucker gets her last pay check from me this week, Grandma was paying her (and me actually) out last night when we were talking about who would do the two different kindy pick ups when I was working and Grandma said "Don't be relying on dog-fucker, she has to get her arse out of the house and get a job!!" Dog-fucker sat at the computer browsing clothes to buy and snickered but I'm sure she is freaking out a bit that she'll have no money from next week. I however will be cheering at paying a fraction of the price for full time care, meaning I'll have a bit of spare time in the day when I'm not teaching, and I can't fucking wait. Will miss the littlen, but really I will love having my time back.

OK, I think that's all that is going on around here, I best go get some sugar and fat free caffeine to keep me going for the next 6 hours of lessons!

Sushi woes

Today is my little baby boy's first birthday! I don't want to rant on about how much I love him and all that bullshit, but he may find this blog 20 years later so I do have to just say that he is the light of my life and I love him so much it even makes me consider having another baby...
I generally don't like babies under 1, so I'm actually looking forward to everything from now on even more!

And it wouldn't be a special birthday without something totally and utterly shitting me off! So I took a few days off work, because, well I make my own school calender and why not take some time off for my son's birthday! I knew I'd need to be at least baking or buying a pressie and would need a bit of extra time. So I just have a few make up lessons this week, pure bliss.
So when it came to what we should do for Bailey's birthday, MIL and I were discussing that maybe if we were to have a house party (like we did for Ash and as we always do for birthdays) then maybe Saturday would be better when nobody has work the next day. Of course I have no work so I don't give a fuck, but any whinging from Ryota saved benefits me too so I agreed. I did think we'd have to do a little something on his actual birthday though, I can't just let it pass...

So anyway, it gets closer to the day, and Ryota says he doesn't really care if the party is on a Thursday or not, it won't exactly be vodka shots and lines of coke till the morning anyway. So I suggested that we just get sushi take away at home tonight. This also coincided with Junpei being given temporary passes out of hospital, tonight being one of the days he gets to come home for a while. I don't know why they don't just release him, but whatever, he'd been banging on about wanting to eat sushi, so I thought, perfect! Junpei wants to eat sushi, we need to have a sushi party, I'll make a cake that will be purely for photos because Ryota's cunting family won't eat cake that isn't strawberry cream boredom cake. Done!

And... Shot down. Junpei wants to go out to eat the sushi. The same exact sushi that would make everyones life easier by being eaten at home... I don't fucking understand it. So I thought, fuck you all then, if you don't want to see Bailey on his birthday we'll have a mini family party and then do the sushi on Saturday. Just us, they can go fuck themselves. Of course this brings up a whole new set of problems, Ash will definitely want to go with them tonight, and fair play to him, he doesn't get the polititcs of it, he just wants to eat sushi. I made it clear that I was not a happy gaijin and MIL came back with "But we agreed not to have his party on the Thursday!" But it's totally different in my mind, I had no idea they were going out I thought we'd all just be hanging around home.

Anyway, trying not to get too pissed off about it, I figure we'll have a mini party at home tonight and then get sushi on Saturday, if they want to join and eat sushi twice in 3 days then they can.

Things that are currently pissing me off.

*MIL's ex-ex- boyfriend, god he's a dick.

*Stay at home mothers who bitch and moan. I get it's hard, but try doing everything you do plus another job then have a moan wench.

*My headache.

*Basically not eating and staying the same weight for a week. So frustrating.

*Dog-fucker. (A constant given)

Think that's about it. Fuck this week in the arse, can't wait for next week when I have 5 days off!

Annoying

I've been trying to put some before after pics but the after pic always gets really stretched! Which is funny because it makes me look way fatter than before, but I just gave up, I'll put a before pic and then you'll just have to imagine 8kgs lighter! Fuck it, I'll just add the stretchy picture too...

 No the baby isn't a midget I am actually that fat!!

 

hehe Stretchy!

 

I really should have taken real before and after pictures but I never thought I'd be able to diet as well as I have.

 

In other news... Brother in law has had a tube permanently implanted inside him (somewhere?) to stop the blood clot travelling to his heart. He's also starting rehabilitation this week so hopefully will be up and about and not dying soon!

 

I have to apologise, I just found 4 comments that I hadn't approved, maybe I should turn the comment approve function off now my admirer has stopped leaving creepy comments... Anyway, if I miss a comment I'm so sorry, I get too much mail to my phone and totally miss comments sometimes, must get better at that.

 

Right, off to teach a lesson or two and then it's BBQing time this weekend! Rainy season my arse J-peeps, it rained for like one day!!

 

Happy weekend!

Bullets

*Ryota and I had an awful weekend. He told me I could go to my dance lesson that I used to go to, but then said "Hmmm I don't think you can go EVERY week though..." So I didn't go because there was no point going for one lesson when you have to pay by the month. I didn't even fight, I was just so disappointed and sad. I think he sensed it and felt guilty. It was horrible, I felt so... alone... out of control...?

*He's been super nice to me ever since, guilt has its benefits but I still would rather just be able to go to my fucking dance class.

*I have a chest cold, as in breathing is a difficulty and I sound like a tranny!

*Little bro got back to Japan only to get a blood clot on the plane and almost died again, he's now in the local hospital so finally things are looking better-ish.

*Work is busy, kicking my arse but busy is good and I'm finally finding a balance between work and house shit, getting better with time management.

*I've lost 7 kilos! Wooohoooo, minimal drugs too, just protein shakes instead of lunch and a diet supplement at night. I will be back to my thinner self by my 30th.

*Sometimes I like fighting with Ryota and being busy because I feel too bad to eat, hence the 7kgs...

*Excuse me while I go and cough up a lung or two...

Boiling point

Things are definitely reaching it here! At the moment I think every single family member is pissed with me apart from MIL, but even she might have something to whinge about.

Let's do it in order shall we...

Ryota- So last night I got home at 8pm to (as usual) a cold kitchen, kids not bathed and started fixing dinner. I don't really mind that much, plus if he did manage to do dinner and bath without me the colossal amount of whinging that would follow just totally wouldn't be worth it, but sometimes it would be nice. Anyway, I start getting dinner and I put our salad on the table (dinner is very easy when you're dieting!) then Ryota says he wants natto and some other crap, which granted I do always forget to put on the table. So I say, admittedly in a slight bitch tone, "Well, if you got all this stuff ready before I came home it wouldn't be a problem eh!" And that was it. Silent treatment all night and then again all day. Not like I really give a fuck, and I know what he's thinking, he's playing the 'But I have to look after Bailey card,' but fuck him, I look after him all day and still manage to get shit done. Anyway, we'll see how that turns out after he gets home. I hate that if he's not talking to me I really don't have anyone to talk to, that power REALLY annoys me. Although I should just enjoy the peace, it does get me down which is why I usually cave and apologise first....

Dog fucker- Dog fucker is a general fucking slacker, if I go to drop Bailey off she acts as if she's doing me a favour with her fucking attitude and it shits me, so since Bailey will be starting kindy in July, I'm milking her for every yen I fork over to the miserable cunt and have been leaving 30 minutes before lessons start even when I don't have that much to prep. I think Ryota said something to her about being bitchy because she's been giving me the cold shoulder (more than normal chilliness) and last night as I was getting out of the bath with Bailey fucking ran away like a little bitch because she didn't want to help me dry him while I got dressed. Ryota was at Grandma's house at that point as well so they were all over there while I was struggling to dry squirming baby without letting me rude bits flop out too much. Not a major task but in Japan if someone is available they usually catch and dry for you while you get dressed. I had a bit of a weep at that point because I felt like I was being ganged up against and felt all alone and shit. Silly but that's the emotional train wreck I am these days. Fuck me I need to man up!

Grandma- Grandma constantly gives Ashton snacks when he gets home from kindy (At about 5:30pm) which means he never eats dinner and just ends up eating fucking junk then gets hungry again and eats more junk later while I throw out the perfectly good bento or meal I've made for him. It fucking shits me and the other day I lost it at Grandma and said "Stop giving him snacks for fuck's sake!" I think Ryota had a go at her too because when I went over yesterday and he wasn't eating properly just as I was about to accuse her she got all defensive and said "I didn't give him anything!" I still think she may have snuck him some chips under the table but I let it go anyway.

Fuuuuuuccccckkkk sometimes I just want to run away from them all!

Fuck off fuckers

You know, PMS never effected me, I thought it was something I was immune to but as I get older and pop out more kids the PMS is getting really fucking bad. I find myself actually noticing that I'm irritable, emotional and just generally pissed off. It probably doesn't help that I'm hard core dieting (5kgs gone baby!!!) which also makes me pretty pissed off at the world.

Anyway, the thing that pissed me off (today).

We're still paying dog-fucker (I know the dog is dead but she'll never be known as anything else) to look after Bailey, because he can't get into kindy yet, it's so fucking expensive and I can't wait till July when he's going to kindy even if it's a different one to Ash but until then I just have to grit my teeth and fork out the cash. So I let her know at the beginning of April that April and May are always super fucking busy, so I'd need to leave 20 minutes before the lessons started in order to prepare my shit, I don't think this is unreasonable, and at a handsome sum of about $900 a month I don't think it's too much to ask.

So today was busy, basically I had a 30 minute break all day (now!)

8:30am- Ash's class observation
11am: Come home do bare minimum house work.
12pm: Leave to work at a kindy about 20 minutes away.
3pm: Finish kindy.
3:30pm-4pm: Break
4pm-7pm: Teach at the school.

It's a pretty full day and I was hoping that dog-fucker and Grandma might appreciate that. No such luck.

So I get home from the class obs and Bailey sleeps so I get to down my protein shake, do the washing, washing up and general tidying, Bailey wakes up just as I'm about to leave and he hasn't eaten lunch, but fuck he was asleep, what could I do?!
So I take him over to Grandma's house and Grandma says: Has he eaten lunch?? And I said 'No, sorry.' Then dog-fucker is upstairs and I start giving Bailey yesterday's left over dinner but really need to get out the door. So I say in kind of a bigg-ish voice, 'OK, I'll be off now!' Hoping she'd get the point and come and take over, then Grandma totally fucking chews me out, saying 'You're going now??? Don't you have time to give him lunch!?'...

Am I wrong for thinking that if you take on the responsibility of child-minding (not for free mind you!) that feeding lunch is a pretty basic task that comes with the job?!

I wanted to screech that at Grandma but instead I said with just a slight hiss, 'No, I work at the kindy on Fridays, I have to get there.'

So after Ryota bitching about my mum's behaviour the whole time she was here, I swiftly mailed him to say I was not happy. It made me feel better and his response was pretty good too: "Don't worry, they're dickheads."

Meh, it's not for much longer, I'm probably overreacting due to PMS and carbs craving! Thank fuck it's Friday, just one more day of work left!!!

Everyone's leaving!

There are so many people quitting blogging! What the hell is up?!

Not that I'm one to talk with my sporadic, boring updates...

We've been having crazy times here in the semi-inaka!

*The school, after being not busy at all and actually making me rethink whether never seeing my kids was worth having it, has been crazy busy.

*My mum is visiting, which has been mainly good but with me being busy and her just babysitting for me I feel kind of bad. Plus Ryota and my mum don't really get along, well they do, but only to keep the peace, if it came down to it they actually really don't like each other at all I suspect. They both piss me off in different ways at times but they're both my family who I love and I'm happy they keep it civil for my sake.

*Little bro, who is still in Australia, exactly one year after his brain bleed last year, had a major stroke and is still in ICU. With no insurance. Costing $4500 a night... It's pretty fucked up and he's paralysed on his left side but we're hoping he makes a recovery, we still don't know much.

*I've been using every spare moment I have to exercise, I have very little free time these days and since it's my 30th in less than 6 months I cannot be a whale for those fucking photos. Craving carbs and sweets but I did it before, I WILL do it again.

Riding

I feel like life in general always comes in waves. Good waves, bad waves, scary choppy waves, and those big fuckers that pull you all the way up and then dump you under leaving you spluttering and picking sand out of your minge for the next 3 days. I like the waves. As I've mentioned before, I like that life isn't boring, that things go up and down. Maybe that's why I stay with Ryota, I know I'd be totally fucking bored with a nice simple lad??

Anyway, as I get older, I can actually feel the way the waves are going. It's not like when I was younger and I didn't think about the way life was, how it was at the time, and where it was going.
At the moment I feel like life is on a generally good wave. Life is alright. Bailey is finally growing up out of the baby stage, Ash has practically left home (he sleeps at Grandma's house the little bastard!!), work is good, and Ryota and I survived 2 weeks together so I feel if we survived that we can survive pretty much anything.

This wasn't the case up until a little while ago, I felt very unsure about the school, I think I always get that way in April, people quit and you feel betrayed in some way, and then all these new people sign up come May and you feel like a twat for getting your knickers in a twist.

So that's why I haven't been blogging that much, life is comfortable enough that I really don't have that much to bitch about. yes my arse is about 4 times bigger than I'd like it and Yes Ryota can be a royal fuckwit at times, but apart from that. Life is good... Sorry!

Happy New Year!

It's the new school year in Japan and it always makes me feel like some kind of second new year celebration. Ash has new teachers and went up a kindy grade and Ryota's job changed bosses for the new year. It also means that Ryota has 2 (UNPAID!!!) weeks off work while things change over. This is the worst part of his job by far, not only do we almost kill each other at home every April, but we lose money while we're doing it because he doesn't get paid and we end up spending more money because he's at home and we go places for lunch etc. On the bright side, it means I don't have to pay SIL to watch Bailey, although I think paying her might be better than hearing Ryota bitch and moan about how tough it is to watch him for 3 hours at a time. Welcome to my world bitch!

I feel kinda guilty but I honestly can't wait to get Bailey into kindy, it will be from June whether it's Ash's kindy or not. I love him to bits but I find myself rushing and not being able to plan lessons properly or get any time to myself and it's driving me kind of insane. I'm such an 'all or nothing' type so I'd rather quit working and be a full-time SAHM or get him into kindy and concentrate on working, so sick of the balancing act!

Ryota and I are still trying the 70% theory but he said to me yesterday, "You're pissing me off below the 70% mark!!!" So the cracks are appearing! But all in all we're fighting much less than before, fingers crossed it stays that way.

We were talking yesterday about getting Bailey into kindy and Ryota asked SIL what she was going to do after he went and she said: "I want mum to open up a bar or something so I can work in it..." To which I snorted, which was probably the start of World war 3 because she gave me a filthy look and ignored it but definitely will remember it. I was just like, 'Jesus, you need to go out and meet some other people!!!' in my head but I don't want the headache of a SIL battle at the moment, it just isn't worth it. I want to give her meaningful advice but I don't think I can without totally pissing her off.

What else what else... We had the Easter party at the school, it was fun... Life is pretty boring...

My bitterness is still there, like a nagging toothache, dull and unrelenting I can't quite shake the feeling of dissatisfaction.

Bitter

I have a mouth full of bitter bile. Not literally of course, but there is something building in me and making me rethink a lot of things in my life. Saying that, my thoughts are like a jigsaw puzzle my 4 year old has given up on and has scattered from arsehole to breakfast-time and I can't blog it yet, I really want to but I'm not quite ready to put my soul on the line of the Internet yet, I'll be ready soon I promise.

I think if I had some kind of bitch-o-meter on here, that my biggest percentage of bitches would be about Ryota. It's quite natural I'm sure, since it's not P.C. to bitch about your children properly, he is the one I spend the majority of my time with and therefore most likely to bear the brunt of my bitchiness, but I can safely say, for now, we are actually in a good place. Sorry, I know the stories of his arseholey behaviour are a great read, but to be honest, the things on my mind actually have nothing to do with him. For once... I'm sure it will change at some point but we've been working really well together lately.

Prime example, we lost our camera when we went to Disneyland (Disneyland is a whole fucking blog post too!) recently and I was bracing myself for Ryota to go off his nut at me because I/we left it on a bus. It was out good canon camera with a zillion photos on it too and I was heartbroken that it might be lost. I went into a huge downer about it, if we had lost it my trip was going to be ruined and I also thought we were going to  have a massive argument about it but he was like, "Well, if we get it back, we'll be really happy. If not, can't be helped, and it means you can get the Nikon that you wanted!" Where the fuck did old Ryota go?! Whatever I liked the new attitude, it perked me up and I apologised for not taking more care to check the bus for our shit. We got it back thank god, but it shows that we can actually interact as normal loving humans! Score!

And we actually had no fights during the Disney trip, despite it being one of the most irritating places on Earth!

It may be his new 70% philosophy, he read a book that said you shouldn't live life at 100% all the time because you'll never have anywhere to go but down and always be disappointed. And when I think about it, it's kind of a good plan! From now we shall be the 70% super couple. Just wait, now I've blogged about it we'll probably have a massive fight tonight!

Right, must go work. I'm hoping my next post will be a bile purging one.